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It has been nearly 2 years since I left my position as Children’s Ministry Coordinator at my home church.

And, here’s the shocker: I miss it.  A lot.

Every day since leaving, I have felt a longing so deeply rooted in my heart that it hurts. I feel separated from my calling. But now, the longing is beginning to feel like desparation and I think you need to know. There is a chaos of emotion and knowledge swirling around in my mind reminding me of the truth and tempting me with lies.

Worst of all, some days (though, thankfully very few), it seems easier to give in an believe the lies: no one will hire me, no church wants me, I heard my calling incorrectly, I was wrong, God doesn’t want to use me. Lies. The rejection hurts a little more each time, but at the same time I honestly believe that it is God’s will- that there is something else for me.

Mostly, hope wins out by the end of the day because I know the truth, even if it can be the most difficult to believe.

Dear ones: it’s been 2 years feeling like a wanderer who knows the path but cannot find it, and I need your prayers. My heart is breaking, and my resolve weakening.



I am roasting pumpkin seeds in the oven. There are a ridiculous number of them, really (though I did only use half of those available!). Three baking sheets full of these tiny, flat, pale seeds that will go unseeded, becoming snacks for the co-workers who begged me to save them.  I don’t even like pumpkin seeds: it feels like I am chewing on a wooden skewer every time I pop one in my mouth. But they are in the oven anyways, an act of love, I suppose. Spicy, cheesy, and sweet. Each flavour a metaphor for the one from whom the request was made. Beautiful really.

A week ago today I turned 25. The age of feeling like an adult and needing some change in order to help the feeling be genuine. I had a wonderful birthday to usher in a new phase of my life, full of celebration, love, and joy. So far 25 has been lovely and I venture forward with confidence and excitement.

And I guess that is all I have to say unless you would like to read yet another post about my undying love for autumn in all its deadly beauty. Believe me…I could wax poetic on this subject for ages and probably will.


Tonight, my mind is restless. I am making the assumption that my caffeine intake for the day has a great deal to do with the matter- I did consume my entire weekly ration this morning alone. And, while that does concern me for what will be done about tea-time tonight, I doubt it is the primary reason for my state of mind.

On nights like tonight, I find myself longing for that lovely little day dream of a cottage in a forest meadow. You know the one: it’s painted grey, has a window seat where i take up residence on the rainy days, there is lavender growing outside, books and overwhelming love inside. In that little daydream of mine the lighting is never harsh- more like a faded photograph- and there is neither silence or cacophony. It seems so peaceful there.

Perhaps I am simply overstimulated here… which leads me down a path of fearfulness for our potential children and thus I cannot dwell on such a thought.

A friend has told me that I am stressed right now- but I cannot recognize why. My life seems rather simple right now. Rather enjoyable really. But she told me this because I had confessed to her that for the past fifteen days I have been having nightmares.

The nightmares are never the same. I can hardly remember them except for the feeling of fear that lingers somewhere just behind me as I go about my day. Each night I have woken up for a few minutes, heard my husband breathing next to me (breathed a sigh of relief myself) run my fingers though the angora-soft fur on Gary’s ears, pulled the blankets up and drifted half-way back to sleep for another few hours. So there it is, maybe I am just a little thrown off from a little less sleep.

But here’s what confuses me: I feel no fear once I am awake, and honestly it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal. Really, I have only noticed this odd trend because I rarely have dreams like this- and never have I had them unrelated and in succession. It’s only slightly bothersome, but I thought you might want to know.

Restless. (And apparently also reflective…among other things)


It’s lovely here. I wish that I could transport you right through your computer and into my life right now. Sure it is busy, and sure there are moments when it’s not all apples and sweaters, but really it is lovely. Autumn has decidedly wrapped it’s chilly arms around this city letting rain fall at will, putting our plants to sleep. The have turned one of two colours: brown with decay or orange with pumpkins and I adore them both. There are signs by the sides of the road advertising corn mazes, u-pick apples, and halloween festivities. I pull on my sweaters and wool socks with sighs of contentedness and drive with my windows rolled down. I do my best to ignore the sourpusses who loathe the rain and pine over summer’s sun (as I am told, if you grew up here, you probably hate the rain- all the outsiders come here for it). And my mind turns to baking…and tea…and cuddling up with my book and a blanket.

It is wonderful. Autumn is my favourite birthday gift.

a tea for everything

More Pictures

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